STC Conference: Making the Most

I attended the STC conference after a gap of three years. Before I go into the details, I would like to underscore the importance of STC conferences.

There are three things you can take away from STC if you keep your mind, eyes and ears open:

1. Learning

2. Networking

3. Visibility

Learning: STC is a great opportunity to gather information about the latest trends in the world of technology and learn about new tools and content management software. You can gain information on how companies are adopting languages, such as DITA and XML for publication and how you can use DITA and Wiki to solve your content management requirements.

To make the most, choose the presentations you want to attend. STC is a three day conference and the most interesting and relevant presentations are squeezed in during the last two days. Three presentations are held simultaneously every 45 minutes at different venues. This means you can attend only one presentation at a time. Make the best use of your time. If you are interested in two presentations scheduled at the same time, ask a friend to attend the other presentation and exchange notes later.

Networking: Meet new people from other companies and find out about work culture, technology involved, and job opportunities. You might not want to switch jobs immediately, but information always helps. Talk to as many people possible - knowledge leaders, veterans, and the presenters. You can gain a perspective into the current employment trend in the technical writing industry in terms of job openings and tools & technology used.

Visibility: Make your presence felt. You might be noticed by hiring managers and offered a job. Talk to management team for an opportunity to present a topic at the conference. In addition to visibility, it helps spruce up your resume. Presenting at a STC conference or writing for an STC newsletter is always a good thing to have in your resume.

Highlights from STC, 2011

STC, 2011 started off with a warm welcome by STC volunteers who were at their best in helping the delegates settle in. The volunteers helped people with registration and then handed over a backpack filled with goodies. Post registration, people headed for the different presentations.

Here is a synopsis of the presentations at the STC conference, 2011:

Artificial Intelligence in Technical Writing…..Future Technology: This session talked about a voice-to-text software that developers can use to record product features. Technical writers can later convert the recorded voice to text, copyedit the content, and have the guide ready in a short time. This software is not available in the market currently.

Yours analytically: This session was about how to measure the effectiveness of your documentation. The crux of the problem today lies in identifying user feedback, behavior, trends and ratings against the published documentation. This problem has been addressed through a statistical tour of the documentation by using web analytical tools such as Omniture Site Catalyst and Google Analytics. Because I have used these tools in my previous organization, I can personally vouch that these are must have tools to be in tune with the changing trends in this content world.

What I learned from films that helped me improve on the job: In this session, the presenter spoke about lessons she learnt from films and how it helped in fulfilling daily responsibilities as a technical writer.

The presenter took the movie – “A few good men” as an example. I am sure everyone knows about this movie, truly fantastic. In the movie, the conversation between Jack Nicholson (Col. Nathan R. Jessep) and Tom Cruise - Lt. (j.g.) Daniel Kaffee, goes like this:

Daniel Kaffee: [to Weinberg & Galloway] let’s go.

Col. Nathan R. Jessep: [Passive-aggressively] But you have to ask me nicely.

Daniel Kaffee: I beg your pardon?

Col. Nathan R. Jessep: You have to ask me nicely. You see, Danny, I can deal with the bullets and the bombs and the blood. I don't want money and I don't want medals! You gotta ask me nicely.

Daniel Kaffee: Colonel Jessep, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like a copy of the transfer order, sir.

Col. Nathan R. Jessep: [Politely] No problem.

Take away from this session: Technical writers need to talk to their stakeholders politely, send gentle reminders for follow-ups, and be flexible while scheduling meetings and so on.

Collaborating with Customer Support: In this session, the presenter talked about the common vision both documentation and customer support team has: Customer satisfaction. There has to be collaboration between documentation, customer support, and product teams. From support perspective, the actual challenge is to reduce calls received for different issues related to a particular product.

The documentation team can use this opportunity to know what the customer wants by collaborating with the support team. Collaboration can be done in following ways:

Buddy jacking with support and listening to the different calls/looking at the case notes.

Identifying issues that are generally major call generators or issues that are very common and do not have sufficient documentation. Discuss these issues with both support and product team. Check on the documentation impact for any roll-up patches related to these issues.

Measuring the effectiveness through web analytics and impact it has in reducing call volume.
Making a conscious effort to build a strong and sustainable relationship with the support team.

Deriving the Highest ROI from Your Migration to Structured Authoring: This session discussed the nuances of structured authoring and highlighted the financial benefit of moving to structured authoring. The presenter also demonstrated how to import comments from a PDF into a frame file for review.

Publishing DITA content to Wiki: This session discussed how to use wiki for collaborative review, use DITA as the publishing format, and how to convert wiki content to help files.

Collaborating With Customer Support: This session covered information on how writers can enable support staff to help the customer better.

Evolving Collaborative Documentation in a Multi-Company Ecosystem: This session dealt with issues organizations face when integrating products and documentation across multiple groups within or outside the company.

Find more information on the conference, go here.

Managing Favourites in Airtel DTH

It took a good part of my Sunday afternoon to figure out how to deselect channels from Favourites in Airtel DTH. The Airtel user guide was of no help and the closest I got to finding anything relevant on Google was a sentence on how users can delete items from Favorite features.

To manage favourites, go to:

1. Menu > My Settings > User Settings > Manage Favourites.
2. Select a favourite option . This displays all the available channels.
3. Press Ok to select or deselect channels.
4. Press the blue button on your remote to apply the settings.

You can also name your favourites list. To name your channel, go to:

1. My Settings > User Settings > Manage Favourites.
2. Select the green button to Set name.
3. Type in the name and press the blue button to apply changes.

Dining in San Francisco

From the Ferry Building to Cliff House, South Beach to Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco is blessed with a wide variety of outstanding eateries. And the neighborhood around the George R. Moscone Convention Center (where Oracle OpenWorld is being held) has its fair delectable share.

Here's a sampling of the neighborhood places. If you have a favorite in the area--within walking distance of the conference--please leave a comment and we'll add it to the list.


More Formal

Restaurant LuLu
816 Folsom Street
A seasonal Provençal menu
restaurantlulu.com

Ame
689 Mission Street
2009 Michelin Star recipient
A seasonal East/West fusion menu
amerestaurant.com

COCO500
500 Brannan Street
Local seafood, handmade pastas, wood fired pizzas and artisanal meats
coco500.com

Less Formal

Thirsty Bear Brewing Company
661 Howard Street
Spanish cuisine of tapas and paellas along with organic beer
thirstybear.com

Chevys
201 3rd Street
Contemporary Mexican menu
chevys.com

Canton Seafood & Dim Sum Restaurant
655 Folsom Street
Dim sum and seafood menu
cantonsf.com

Jollibee
200 4th Street
Filipino fast food
jollibee.com.ph

Buca di Beppo
855 Howard Street
Family-style Italian
bucadibeppo.com

Beard Papa
99 Yerba Buena Lane
Cream puffs and Japanese sweets
beardpapasf.com

Bon appetit!

Samsung Galaxy S - the iPhone Killer?

With the launch of iPhone 4, Apple has created a new ripple in the mobile phone industry. The boxy look notwithstanding, this is one heck of a killer phone. Retina display, 5-mega pixel still camera, LED flash makes this phone worth the hype. But the question is at Rs. 42000 how many of us are really going to buy this phone here in India?

Not me, definitely!

So what are my options? Recently Samsung launched two new slick smart phones: Samsung Galaxy S and Samsung Wave. Samsung Galaxy S comes with Android 2.1, the cool and very happening mobile OS from Google. With a 4 inch AMOLED display, this phone is the thinnest and slimmest from Samsung. The display is spacious and crystal clear with a generous space for content. Net weight of the phone is 118gm and dimensions are 64.2 * 122.4 * 9.9mm.

That’s not all. The Samsung Galaxy S has a 1GHz processor, 5.0 megapixel camera, A-GPS Bluetooth 3.0 and Wi-Fi, HD video player & recorder and it comes loaded with a digital compass to boot. You can also download various free apps from Samsung Apps .

This phone is designed just right for social networking with one click access to Facebook and Twitter. Samsung has also integrated utility services, such as weather, news, and Google mobile services like Search, Gmail and Google Maps into the handset, which can be accessed with one click. Also, the built in Swype technology enables user to enter text quickly and easily, even on the go.

This gizmo is so good looking; you can use it as a display, an alarm or a navigation system when driving.

The price for the Galaxy S handset in India is Rs. 31500.

Require Development Partner

We are looking for .NET programmers to develop a web based hosted application. Our product design is ready and patent pending. We have applied for patent last month and hope to receive approval by April 2011.

If you as an individual or a company want to develop the product for us, please contact me at joydeepd@gmail.com for further details.

We are planning to go to market latest by April 2011.

Thanks,
Joydeep

Need PHP Developer

Who are we?

We are an internet company into content management and cloud computing.

What are we looking for?

We are seeking a motivated Web developer to work on our online documentation application. The ideal candidate must be able to develop the project per specifications given by us and deliver the project on time. Should have own set up (computer, net connection etc).

What will I be doing?

You will be responsible for the design and development of innovative web-based solutions for clients, focusing on Web 2.0 technologies, third party APIs, and other integrated systems.

What skills should I have?

You need to have 2+ years of web development experience and be a creative problem solver with excellent attention to detail. In addition, you must have demonstrable experience building applications utilizing 3rd-party APIs and working with open-source CMS platforms like Wordpress and Drupal. Strong communication and documentation skills are a must, and an understanding of front-end design best practices and knowledge of other web platforms (Flash, Flex, Silverlight, Adobe AIR etc.) are a plus.

Technologies
* PHP
* XML
* AJAX
* JSON
* SOAP
* Actionscript 3 (Flash or Flex)
* HTML
* CSS
* Javascript

If interested, leave a comment below with your quote. Prefer Hyderabad (India) based developers. US based developers are also welcome.

Little Bit of Patience (Gun N Roses)

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
'Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said Sugar make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(inhale) Patience...

I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I just used a little patience
Said Sugar take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I got what it takes to make it
We wont fake it
And never brake it
'Cause I cant take it


...little patience, mmm yeah, ooh yeah,
I need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... (ence, yeah)
I've been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right (Need some patience, yeah)
It's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd (Could use some patience, yeah)
And the streets don't change but maybe the name
I ain't got time for the game
'Cause I need you (Patience, yeah)
Yeah, yeah well I need you
Oh, I need you (Take some patience)
Whoa, I need you (Just a little patience is all we need)
Ooh, All this ti- me....

Technical Writing Salary Survey

If you always wondered if you are being paid your worth or if you are in the right salary bracket, then here is a small way of doing that:
Go to the following link and participate in this year’s salary survey. The result of the survey will be published during the 2009 STC Conference.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=BE2OWaAd2f4QazPiKAfAhw_3d_3d

You listening, Mr. Politican?

BJP vice president, Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi said that if some women wearing lipeestik (lipstick) and sunglasses protest against politicians, they don’t represent the mood of the entire nation; he couldn’t be further away from the truth.

Yes, I agree that Taj being the target of the terror attacks, is a popular destination for the rich and well-heeled, and scores of victims were from the privileged class. This has ensured more footage for the English speaking suave denizens of Mumbai and media has been highlighting their anguish with zeal.

But the protests on the streets are writings on the wall for politicians like Naqvi. The issue, that these women wearing lipstick and sunglasses are raising, concerns each and every citizen of this country - be it the autowallas, cabbies, constables, or the guy selling pav bhaji. It is also the voice of families of security guards who died on duty at the Taj, the stock broker from Colaba, or the sister of a Bollywood actor. It is also the voice of the families of the young girls at the front office at Taj, the co chairman of Yes bank, and the food critic from Times of India.

Sometimes, I wonder why there were no politicians in the Taj that fateful Wednesday evening.

Mr. Naqvi continued, “These people are holding candlelight vigils copying western culture”.

But nothing can be further from the truth. I do not understand what is so western about holding candle light vigils to mourn innocent victims of this dastardly act? I wish our security agencies had adopted one third of the professionalism of these western law enforcement agencies and we might not have had to see that day of terror in Mumbai.

Large numbers of politicians come into politics because they want to make it big in life. Nothing wrong with that, except they throw to the winds all values and morale in their quest for money and power. So when we have such politicians become a chief minister or a deputy chief minister or member of the cabinet, what have we? A toxic potent that can eat away into the very fabric of democracy on which our nation is built.

And that is our angst against you Mr. Politician!

We all know that elements in the Pakistan government with perhaps tacit approval from the Zardari’s government were involved in the terror attack and we also know that nothing much is going to happen even if we give Pakistan all the evidence and proof that Pakistan was involved in this strike.

What? Do you really expect India to go to war with Pakistan? And even if we do, what good is it going to do us? Push back our economy by 20 years and completely wipe out our economic gains?

Going to war with Pakistan is one option we have, but it’s the most dangerous and possibly the last resort.

So what can we do now? It’s you Mr. Politician that I want. And if you pea brained morons cannot think of how to deal with terror, here you go:

Form a federal agency to fight terror: Keep it away from the control of the Home Ministry. The agency must be headed by a Director and report straight to the Prime Minister. All other agencies, such as IB and RAW must report and feed intelligence input to this agency. The director can be removed anytime by the PM in consultation with the President. This way we have a check and balance in place to prevent the Director from going against the PM. We don’t want another ISI.

Secure our borders: Both land and sea. Provide more patrol vessels, more aircrafts for our Navy and Coast guards.

Issue National Identity Card: A single agency must issue NIC for every citizen in the country after stringent background checks unlike ration cards. This activity must be first carried out in the north east.

Remove illegal immigrants: Push back both Hindu and Muslim Bangladeshis back to Bangladesh. No one should be within Indian borders without valid documents.

Enact tough anti terror laws: Tough equals death in any kind of terrorist activity. These laws cannot be imposed on political opponents or people convicted in law and order crimes. Special courts must be set up to deal with such crimes. Trials should be limited to three months maximum.

Revamp customs: The entire customs department must be revamped to root out corruption and rot.

Enact tough anti corruption laws: Corrupt government officers and politicians should be executed based on the quantum of offence.

Regulate Sell of Explosives and Ordinances: Access to chemicals and explosives, such as ammonium nitrate, TNT, dynamite, and anything else must be strictly monitored. Sale and purchase of all such materials must be logged into a central database and personal information, such as address and photographs of the buyer and seller must be stored and updated regularly.

Modernize Urban Infrastructure: Bring up an urban center that is easy to monitor and secure. ID cards for all permanent residents of metros, maybe. Temporary cards for the tourists, business people, and people in transition? Yes. More cameras, more eyes on the urban theatres.

Indoctrinate Alienated Communities: Make minority communities feel safe and secure in this country. Provide incentives for basic and higher education. Create financial institutions to encourage entrepreneurship. It should pay to be a good citizen rather than a merchant of terror. The country should make them feel wanted not alienated.

Prosecute Terrorists in Indian Prisons: All terrorists currently lodged in Indian prisons must be prosecuted immediately to send out the message that we are serious.

Industrial Security Force: Raise a paramilitary force to safe guard large and vulnerable industries, such as IT parks and SEZs. Like CISF?

Sign Alliances and Treaties: India, U.S, Israel, UK, Australia, and any other country must raise a fighting army to liquidate terror infrastructure in Pakistan with or without the consent of the Pakistan government.

Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan - You are here!

Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan is smack on your face. Period. Ever imagined hitting the pillow sloshed – you hit the pillow, feel that dull thud, but relieved that you hit the pillow and not the floor. That you are back home safe instead of lying slumped by the sidewalk.

Read MRM and you feel like being in a shower cubicle. Strong jets of envy, guilt, loath, and raw unbridled desire assault your senses from all directions. And let me tell you those are not nice things. It leaves you seething with desire, eyeing every woman that walks the corridor as a potential game and you feel guilty as hell just reading that stuff. And you would not want to acknowledge these feelings.

So does smoking, drinking, and sex make a woman a bad woman? Not really!

But MRM makes you feel that way. She has this gnawing, revolting shade to her writing where she is almost like a diva writhing with desire, inviting you to fill her, yet you know she is just not that. She has a brain that throbs like a ravenous alien monster (picture “Alien”) – a slime-dripping creature out to snuff your self esteem the second you let down your intellectual guard.

She is analyzing you, checking you out, sizing you up. Sinful!

That’s the dull thud bit.

But it really makes me proud to share the same citizenship with MRM. To know that we have women like her who know what they want (most of the time), have an opinion and are not afraid to voice that opinion, and a mind of their own not shrouded and muddied by cultural impositions or stark western influence.

That we have a generation who are truly representatives of modern India, a nation that does not cow down to self-effacing western idiosycrancies, a nation that commands respect for its human capital, rather than its military might, a nation that sets its own standards, a nation on its way of discovering itself.

And that's the soft pillow bit!

Chrome - the new browser from Google

Well, here is the new browser from google, Chrome. Go play:

http://www.freechromethemes.com/DownloadGoogleChrome.php

Do you guys think, Chrome will save the world from spyware?

Technical Writing: What is it?

Technical writing is a type of writing that tells people how to use a product – any kind of product. Products can range from a Boeing 777 to a PDA phone. User manuals or any other technical writing output not only tells how to use a product but everything else about the product, such as why you should use the product, salient features, limitations, work around solutions, and trouble shooting information - should your Boeing 777 be nosing diving without a warning.

Technical writing output includes documents, such as User Guides, Quick Reference Manuals, and Trouble Shooting Guides. Most product documentation comes under these three categories.

So next time you are unable to add contacts to your new iPhone 3G, you might just be looking for that user manual (iPhone 3G User Manual). And yes, this user manual is a product of technical writing.

People who do technical writing are called pseudo geeks? Right? No, wrong! People who do technical writings are called technical writers or technical communicators. So to have written that iPhone user manual, a group of technical writers would have got hold of an iPhone much before any one of us did and played with the product day in and day out or at least everyday at work. Then they would have put together their observations into a document and created a list called the content outline listing all the stuff you can do using an iPhone and how to do it. For example, the iPhone manual starts with:

Chapter 1: Getting Smacked (started)

- What You Need

- Activating iPhone

- Upgrading from an Original iPhone

And so on.

So there you have it. You have products. You have writers. And when these writers create content to help you use these products, you have technical writing.

Who can become a Technical Writer?

As long as you are good teacher, have an excellent hold over the language in which you are writing, and you love technology or willing to delve into the technical abyss, you can be an effective technical writer.

To start as a technical writer, know the basics:
Communication Fundamentals
*Communication Models
*Factors affecting communication
*Verbal and non-verbal communication

Grammar
*Nuances of English Grammar
*Global English - US & UK English
*Comprehension
*Active and Passive Voices
*Gender Fair Language

Technical Writing Tools
*FrameMaker
*RoboHelp
*Epic Editor
*Quadralay webworks
*Author IT
*Captivate
*Snag It

Professional Qualifications Required for Technical Writing

Anybody with good (read excellent) written communication skill and a perennial urge to learn technology can be a success in technical writing.
Having said that, I would like to highlight that like any other specialized field, technical writing has its own set of academic specializations. Technical writers with an engineering background and good language skills are a sought after lot. However, if you have mastered your arts and know your Plato from your Aristotle, you can still make a geeky bard.

Watch this space for a lowdown on the top ten courses for technical writing and where to get them.

But Pappu can’t write saala!

As a documentation manager, I have had enough opportunities to interview people for technical writing positions. And to me, each of these candidates are interesting in their own ways – some are smug like a Cheshire cat, some oh so docile, and then there are others who would start interviewing you back.

Last week I interviewed this dude, yes, I call him dude with a purpose. He was dressed to kill (impress?), got this Yankee twang, and his attitude was contagious. The interview process started with a telephonic round and I must say he impressed the hell out of the HR lady. She passed him on to me. After my call with him, I was sure that we could move him to the next round where we meet candidates in person.

I asked one of my peers to have a chat with the dude and let me know what she thinks. After 15 minutes, she comes back all mighty impressed but with a rejoinder, “if this guy does well in the written test, you will never have to worry about low visibility of the tech pubs team. This guy can be an ambassador for the team and his communications skills are excellent”.

Music to my ears? Definitely! Personally, I like vivacious types and dude seemed to fit the bill in all respect. He had a great attitude, knew the nuances of tech writing, and replied positively to all the typical yada yada you ask a prospective tech writer.

So, armed with my conviction that we have a good candidate, I fixed a date and asked dude to take a writing test. Dude was a little hesitant about the test but accepted to take it anyway.

I sent out the test to our in-house editor, a person with immense experience in her job, and I had also added a foreword about how we all liked this guy. After evaluating his test papers, she sent back a detailed feedback and ended her message with the note, “whatever you say, Joy, but this Pappu can’t write saala!”

I am extremely sad because I kind of liked Pappu!

Who is a Successful Technical Writer?

I have been talking to a very senior technical writer recently. I asked her who according to her is a successful technical writer. She said, “A successful technical writer is a star in the eyes of the development team, meets quality and time parameters, and conforms to the common rules and regulations of the organization”. A star in the eyes of the development team? Would not being a star among her peers and immediate manager be a wiser prospect for a technical writer?

“No”, explained my senior writer friend. She continued, “This is because in most cases, a tech writer must have her work validated by a developer. If the developer is happy, the person might send a note of appreciation to the writer and also cc the writer’s manager. So you see the writer not only buys brownie points with the geek God, but also impresses her manager – all in one shot”.

“When a developer finds the technical writing content of high quality, he/she is left with more time to do value additions on the doc as opposed to making the document technically correct. Some time strapped developers might do no value addition, yet appreciate the writer as they could safely return the document to the writer and feel secure about the technical accuracy of the content. And when external stakeholder are happy, it bodes well for the entire techinal publication team as well and documentation managers love that.”

“And what if the writer’s work involves no interaction with the technical team?” I asked. “In that case, the writer’s work must derive a direct benefit to the company, for example, a well written proposal should help the company close deals”.

“So the idea is to attract positive feedback”, I said trying to get her right. “Exactly! The idea is not only to do things to attract positive feedback, but also convert the feedback into rewards!

“How”? I asked. She said, “Look, when you receive positive feedback from stakeholders (people who directly or indirectly benefit from your work), you can use these feedbacks to back up your ratings during appraisals. So if you have rated yourself 4/5, you can justify your ratings with the feedback you have received – simply copy and paste the feedback into the appraisal form and see them turn into raises and bonuses”.

I said, “All these sound too good and almost convincing, but how do I attract positive feedback from developers?

The lady continued, “Well to start with get down and dirty with technology”. Ask questions, even stupid dumb ones, but ask. You might receive those what-a-moron stares initially. But continue asking until you make sense of what the technology is all about. Draw the big picture and place the finer details within the picture as you go along. Work with the applications, talk technology, and buy those dummy guides if need be. Be persistent!

I interrupted, “ How do I know I am being persistent, that I am learning things”? She said, “Look out for the questions you ask. As you learn more, you will ask smarter questions, more specific questions as opposed to open-ended ones. For instance, instead of asking what is PeopleSoft HRMS is all about, you might find yourself asking how are job profiles set up in PeopleSoft HRMS?”

“So, to be a successful technical writer, I have to ask the right questions and please my developers”, I concluded. “Nope” she corrected. “To be a successful technical writer, you have to not fear technology and be always eager and hungry for more information, better still if you make up your mind to master the technology. “Hold on! I said. She was working me up too fast. “But what if I am not in a product company, but working for a project company where technology changes all the time”. She said, “Chances are that if you master .NET, for example, you will also better understand how other programming languages work, say Java, Pearl, or Cold Fusion.

So the key is not to fear technology but master it! A good technical writer should be able to replace a product manager or a developer any day. Intrigued, I continued, “And what about the other two - quality and time parameters and conformance to the common rules and regulations of the organization”. “Lets keep that for another day, Joy, I really have to rush now”. I can’t wait for that another day.

User Productivity Kit (UPK)

Oracle’s User Productivity Kit (UPK) is a multifaceted eLearning tool that can be used to record steps and play back the steps in exact sequence in various interactive modes, such as See It Mode, Try It Mode, Know It Mode, and Do It Mode.

What makes UPK unique, compared to other screen capture tools (Viewlet Builder, Captivate) is its ability to display appropriate text, such as menu and menu item names captured during the recording.

For example, if you set up UPK to work with MS Word, and you want to record the steps to print a file, then UPK will not only capture steps to print but also display in text the menu, menu items, and window names involved in printing the file.

So to print a document, you would go to File menu, select Print, choose a printer name in the Print dialog box, and click OK. When you use UPK to capture this series of steps, UPK will record the sequence of events and display the following text messages in bubble boxes:

1. Start by navigating to the File Menu.
2. Select Print.
3. Click the Name drop down list.
4. Select Printer 1.
5. Click OK.

Because UPK automatically inserts textual content, it minimizes chances of edit errors and increases productivity by allowing you to record several tasks within a short period. UPK also allows you to edit your recordings if you have missed a step or captured a wrong step.

To know more about UPK, go to:
http://www.oracle.com/applications/tutor/user-productivity-kit.html

To have your common UPK issues answered, visit:\http://www.oracle.com/applications/tutor/upk-faq.pdf

Software Documentation Process

So you are ready with your product about to be to released in the market. The QA testing is complete and results look good. But hey, hold on a second! You are missing something. What’s that, Oh Good Lord, what’s that? Its user documentation, people!
Agreed you built the coolest product in town that allows your customers to integrate that PeopleSoft Financials accounting system with your Siebel CRM. But how on earth are your users ever going to use the damn product until you have user manuals telling them how?
What follows is a condensed description of the software documentation process followed in most product companies around the world.


Understanding the Documentation Process
The user documentation process ensures that you have a set of standardized support documents to assist your customers use the product. A product not supported by good documentation is a dead product. Therefore, reliable product documentation is not only crucial for your customers, but it also decides the fate of your product in a competitive market.
This article helps you understand the documentation process followed in most product companies across the globe. Although, companies might adopt different flavors of the documentation process, the basic flow remains the same.
Determining Product Readiness
At this stage, make a decision to follow approach 1 or 2.
You might want to choose approach 1 if your product is QA tested and ready to go to the market. Identify a writer and hook the writer up with a Subject Matter Expert (SME). Since you will be at the end of your product development cycle, the writer will have a ready product to play with and learn the product on the job, reducing the learning curve.
If you are at the start of your product development cycle, you might want to choose approach 2. Large product companies identify and train a team of technical writers at the start of the product development cycle. Writers are invited to crucial design meetings and encouraged to review and provide feedback on design documents. In such cases, writers start to work on documentation at the same time when developers start coding the application. Source documents, such as functional and technical design docs form the major source of information for the writers in this model. Writers also interview SME(s) to know about the product.
Reviewing Market Requirement Documents (MRD)
Most companies collect market requirement documents to give a direction to their products. MRDs are a reliable source to understand the philosophy behind the products. Writers can use these documents to create scenarios and highlight product relevance to users.
MRDs also provide the framework for functional and design documents down the stream.
Analyzing Target Audience
The writer along with the SME does a target audience analysis and establishes the profile of the user. MRDs are a great source to understand target audience.
Users of a system are not all the same. The writer must structure the doc to cater for different user tasks and different levels of expertise and experience. It is particularly important to distinguish between end-users and system administrators:
End-users use the software to assist with some task. This may be flying an aircraft, managing insurance policies, writing a book, etc. They want to know how the software can help them. They are not interested in computer or administration details.
System administrators are responsible for managing the software used by end-users. This may involve acting as an operator if the system is a large mainframe system, as a network manager is the system involves a network of workstations or as a technical guru who fixes end-users software problems and who liaises between users and the software supplier.
Determining Documentation Types
Depending on your audience, you can choose to have several types of documentation. If your audience largely consists of novice users with limited experience with a computer, you might want to create an introductory manual, such a Getting Started with the System guide. Documentation deliverables can include, but not limited to:
· User Guide
· Implementation Guide
· API Guide
· Online Help
Creating/Writing the Documents
After you have decided on your documents, set up a team or engage a single writer depending on the volume of work. Best practice at this stage includes drawing a schedule and managing that schedule to ensure that your documents are of high quality, technically accurate, and on time.
There are several documentation tools. Examples include:
· MS Word
· FrameMaker
· AuthorIT
· Epic Editor
· RoboHelp (for Online Help)
If your documents include large number of pages, use Frame Maker 8.0, the most recent offer from Adobe. If you need XML output, use Epic editor. If you want to tear your hair out, use MS Word.
Reviewing Documents
Set up a process to ensure all documents pass through language and content edit. Ideally, language edits are done by language editors based on in-house style and standards guide or widely recognized style guides, such as Strunk, MS Manual of Style, and the Chicago Manual of Style.
Send all documents for technical edit to ensure that the content is correct and syncs with the product functionality. A good user document is one that is referred to as the source of truth by everyone in the company.
Testing Documents
It is a good practice to QA test documents, such as Installation guides and Quick Reference guides. This way, you get to squash the bugs even before they are reported.
Publishing Documents
Once you are done testing and finalizing your document, you need to publish the documents for your users to access. The most common way to publish is to create PDF files and burn it along with the product CD or upload the PDF files on the web.
So there you go! I have outlined a basic documentation process. There are many more components to the process that need attention depending on the size and commitment of your company towards documentation.

Zlob DNS Changer

You definitely know you are infected with a virus when you browser gets redirected to a wired looking IP address on its own.

There could be many reasons why that happens, one being, the Zlob DNS Changer. Zlob DNS changer usually comes in as a Trojan when you download video codecs from the Internet.

How do you know its Zlob? Run Spybot and you should know for sure if it is Zlob.
If you are sure about Zlob being the culprit, download the following software:

HijackThis
HijackThis lists the contents of key areas of the Registry and hard drive--areas that are used by both legitimate programmers and hijackers. The program is continually updated to detect and remove new hijacks. It does not target specific programs and URLs, only the methods used by hijackers to force you onto their sites.

ATF Cleaner
ATF is a new, freeware, temporary file cleaner for Windows, IE, Firefox and Opera with a simple, easy-to-use interface.

Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware
Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware is the next step in the detection and removal of malware. Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware monitors every process and stops malicious processes before they even start.

F-Secure BlackLight
F-Secure® Internet Security 2008TM provides a complete and easy-to-use protection against all Internet threats, whether they are known or previously unidentified.

Installing and Running the Search and Diagnosis Software
After you have downloaded the above software, install them on your machine.
Installing HijackThis
To install HijackThis:
Double-click the .exe file you have download in your local machine and HijackThis does the rest of the step to install itself.
Run HijackThis and view the log. Check for registry entries that you think are weird or do not belong in your machine. Always backup your registry before you start removing registry entries. If your log shows entries as shown below, then you sure have something serious to deal with:
R0 - HKLM\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Search,SearchAssistant =
R0 - HKLM\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Search,CustomizeSearch =
O17 - HKLM\System\CCS\Services\Tcpip\..\{0F8B5758-CA74-4CFB-BE0E-BE8C21A76C61}: NameServer = 85.255.116.98,85.255.112.6
O17 - HKLM\System\CCS\Services\Tcpip\Parameters: NameServer = 85.255.116.98 85.255.112.6
O23 - Service: Windows Tribute Service - Unknown owner - C:\Windows\system32\kdzwn.exe At this stage, you choose to seek help from the professionals at http://forums.spybot.info/ or if you are feeling very confident and lucky, perform the following steps:
1. Run the ATF Cleaner.exe.
2. Double-click ATF Cleaner.exe to open it.
3. Under Main choose, Windows Temp, Current User Temp, All Users Temp, Cookies, Temporary Internet Files, Java Cache.
4. *The other boxes are optional*.
5. Click the Empty Selected button.
6. If you use Firefox, click Firefox at the top and choose Select All.
7. Click the Empty Selected button.
8. NOTE: If you would like to keep your saved passwords, please click NO at the prompt.
9. If you use Opera, click Opera at the top and choose Select All.
10. Click the Empty Selected button.
11. NOTE: If you would like to keep your saved passwords, please click NO at the prompt.
12. Click Exit on the Main menu to close the program.

Installing Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware
1. Double-click mbam-setup.exe and follow the prompts to install the program.
2. At the end, be sure a checkmark is placed next to Update Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware and Launch Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware, and click Finish.
3. If an update is found, it will download and install the latest version.
4. Once the program has loaded, select Perform full scan, then click Scan.
5. When the scan is complete, click OK, then Show Results to view the results.
6. Be sure that everything is checked, and click Remove Selected.
7. When completed, a log will open in Notepad. Please save it to a convenient location. The log can also be found here: C:\Documents and Settings\Username\Application Data\Malwarebytes\Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware\Logs\log-date.txt
8. Please post contents of that file & a fresh HijackThis log in your next reply.

Installing F-Secure BlackLight
1. Load F-Secure Blacklight into a new folder C:\Program Files\Blacklight.
2. Start in this folder fsbl.exe and close all other programs.
3. Accept the agreement and click Scan.
4. After the scan is finished close the window.
5. The log will be fsbl-XXX.log in the Blacklight folder. In place of XXX there will be some numbers.
After you run HijackThis, open the log file. The log file should display registry entries similar to the ones shown below:
R0 - HKLM\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Search,SearchAssistant =
R0 - HKLM\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Search,CustomizeSearch =
O17 - HKLM\System\CCS\Services\Tcpip\..\{0F8B5758-CA74-4CFB-BE0E-BE8C21A76C61}: NameServer = 85.255.116.98,85.255.112.6
O17 - HKLM\System\CCS\Services\Tcpip\Parameters: NameServer = 85.255.116.98 85.255.112.6
O23 - Service: Windows Tribute Service - Unknown owner - C:\Windows\system32\kdzwn.exe

To remove these entries, start HijackThis, close browsers and other windows and Click fix checked.
Creating and Executing Batch File
1. Open notepad and then copy and paste the bolded lines below into it. Go to File > save as and name the file fixes.bat, change the Save as type to all files and save it to your desktop. (If you are still unsure on how to do this there is a little tutorial with pictures here)
@echo off
sc stop "Windows Tribute Service"
sc delete "Windows Tribute Service"

2. Double-click on fixes.bat file to execute it.
Viewing Hidden Files (Vista)
1. Open Folder Options by clicking the Start button, clicking Control Panel, clicking Appearance and Personalization, and then clicking Folder Options.
2. Click the View tab.
3. Under Advanced settings, click Show hidden files and folders, and then click OK.
4. Delete following file if found:
5. C:\Windows\system32\kdzwn.exe
6. Reboot the system and run Blacklight again.

These steps should remove Zlob DNS Changer completely from your machine. For additional security, ensure your Java Runtime Environment is updated to 6.0 or the most recent version available. Also, reset and re enable your system restore and download SpywareBlaster.

Pick of the Week: Magadha Riviera

When you cut the marketing hoo-ha and look into the real deal, Magadha Riviera seems quite a neat property buy. At Rs. 3000 per square yard (negotiable) and loads of other freebies thrown in, this project is worth a deal.

Magadha Riviera is situated 15 km from the Shamshabad International airport. Although most of the approach road is yet to get that expressway look, the prospects of this project as a future residential locality seems quite promising.

Currently, Magadha has several 1000 to 300 square yard plots available as shown on its website.

Website: http://www.magadhaprojects.com/SLGallery/index.html

Contact: Neeraj [neerajag@gmail.com]
Mobile: 9866999220.

Highlights
DTCP approved
Immediate registration facilities provided
Landscaped gardens
Tree lined vistas
State-of-the-art street lightning
Underground drainage
Black topped roads with sidewalks
Jogging track
Solar fencing
Round the clock security
Club house
Aircondition gym
Spa
Tennis court
Swimming pool
Library
Party hall
Cafe
Lounge
Children recreation zone
Guest rooms
(WI-FI)Wireless Internet

Instructional design - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Came upon this set of instructions somewhere. Me thinks this is an excellent example of the good, the bad, and the ugly in instructional design:
USER-FRIENDLY
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping
USER-HELPFUL
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?
USER-UNFRIENDLY
C:\ DUR C:\ DUR C:\ DUR C:\ DUR
USER-HOSTILE
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.
USER-INDIFFERENT
C:\ DUR DUR?
USER-PATRONIZING
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.
USER-OBSEQUIOUS
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.
USER-SARCASTIC
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.
USER-INSULTING
C:\ DUR
Fuck off
C:\ DIR
Fuck off
USER-SMUG
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on
C:\ BASTARD
Abuse will get you nowhere
USER-ANALYTICAL
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love....etc?
USER-McDONALD
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.
USER-MEGALOMANIAC
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

How to File RTI Applications

If the application is related to a state govt, you need to file it in the respective department. Anything related to central govt can be filed in GPO.
Procedure:
1. Approach the nominated information officer in the department.
2. Get the RTI form (if any) from the officer.
3. Normally the form asks five simple questions including - info requested, period for which info is requested, your name, your address & reason for requesting the information(not mandatory).
4. In case the department doesn't have any application form, submit the request on a plain paper with the above 5 information.
5. Along with the application, submit a "postal pay order" of Rs. 20. (Karnataka govt has reduced this further to Rs. 10; not sure about A.P.)
6. Take a copy of the application and have it attested by the information officer - with date of submission on it.
You should get appropriate info within a month, else you can raise the issue to Chief information commissioner.
Watch this space for all the details on Right to Information Act (RTI).

Turning Off that Beep in Dell D620 Laptops

You are in a library. Silence all around and people engrossed in books or feeling each other up. You installed this cool new software and need to reboot. So you power down and then power up. If you have a Dell 620, you might be clasping your hands against your ears in anticipation of that loud beep. And ear phones too? You are probably looking at 15 days before you go deaf.

So here's how you can disable that beep:
1. Open Computer Management and click Device Manger.
2. From the Console menu select View > Show Hidden Devices. You can only see this option once you have selected Device Manager.
3. A new item appears in the Device Manager Panel: Non-Plug and Play Drivers.
4. Expand the menu, find Beep and right click.
5. Select Disable.

Go back to living a normal life!

STC 2007

They said it would be an hour and a half flight from Hyderabad. The plane bunked to the left and then to the right until we could see tiny spots of green masses rising out of the sea. As the plane lost further altitude and the clouds cleared, the tiny green masses morphed into small islands dotting the Goa coastline. Some of these islands had beautiful white sand beaches while the others had ragged stone edges. Either way, the view was spectacular.

From the plane, the view of the coastline was divine. Green cliffs with grey houses, long dark tug boats and cargo carriers, small fishing boats, and the blue sea. I wished we would continue circling the airport, but the plane had already begun its descent towards the runway. The blurry golden-green paddy fields rushed up on us as we lost height. The plane now ran parallel to the paddy fields.

Huts, rusting tin barricades, construction sites ran along the plane and then the thud followed by the screeching of burning rubber against the tarmac and the sound of the air resistant flaps opening. I felt as if the plane would fall apart and fling me out of its torn body, but that did not happen. Instead the plane ran for several meters, the flaps held against the wind creating a deafening sound as if a demon’s belly had been ripped open and then the silence, almost therapeutic. We were in Goa for the 9th annual STC conference.

As we walked from the plane to the arrival lounge, I could not help but notice that the mood around had changed. It felt happy and gay. Gloomy faces lit up and crying babies smiled. As we stepped into the air-conditioned area, I saw on my right, a village woman squatting on the floor selling fish. I was aghast. How could the authorities allow village women to sell fish within the airport area? But my dismay turned to amusement as I realized that the squatting women selling fish was made of clay and placed at the strategic location to welcome tourists. Goa had me intoxicated, already!

We walked further into the airport, turned a right, then a left, climbed down a flight of stairs into what looked like the lobby of a midsize hotel – the airport’s luggage carousel area. The belt hadn’t started moving yet and then suddenly as if on a cue at our arrival, the carousel groaned and rolled lazily spitting out luggage – quite grudgingly.

And so we waited. First on the left leg, then on the right. Cursed. Cursed some more until I saw my dark green travel weary Samsonite roll towards us. We collected our luggage and walked out the EXIT door into a horde of unshaven, tired looking but grinning chauffeurs from various hotels in Goa. No one grinned specially at us or waved a meaty hand, no twinkle of recognition. I did not see my name on any of the placards displayed. There was no welcome committee, no chauffeur in white, no mid segment AC car waiting! The travel desk had messed up again!

Hotel Mandovi, the hotel we were booked into for our Goa stay has a Tempo traveler, referred to as the “Coach”, to ferry guests to and from the airport once everyday. Although the travel desk had warned me before that Hotel Mondovi provides no car for airport pickup, the Coach was surely a let down. No air conditioning and very cramped.

We were the last passengers to be picked up from the airport and the bus was already filled to its full capacity, but for two cramped seats at the back. We had to share space with a huge suitcase and couple of travelers bag. But we were in Goa and the scenery outside compensated for the discomfort of the rear seat. Pinky and I settled down for the long ride to the hotel. Travelling time from Hyderabad to Goa – a little over 45 minutes. Travelling time from Dabolim airport to Hotel Mandovi – 1 hour 30 minutes. Somewhere in between, Pinky started to feel giddy and I thought she might actually puke. Thank God, she held herself.

After we reached the hotel, we checked in and one look at the deluxe suite washed away all our angst against the “Coach”. For Rs. 6500 a night, we had 1000 sq feet of carpet area all to ourselves. The suite was divided into three sections – bedroom, a sitting area, and living room to entertain guests. We just went wow!

By the time we settled in, it was dark. I was very eager to meet Dude, my very good friend from Delhi, his wife and the kid. I have been hearing about them for years now and just couldn’t wait to meet them. I called up Dude and arranged to hook up with them at Cidade de Goa, the resort where Dude was staying. Cidade was also the venue of the 9th annual STC conference.

We hired an OMNI van, one of the several four wheelers that run as taxis in Goa. The driver called himself Joaquim and I heard that as Jamiroquai – the Grammy Award-winning English funk / soul / disco band. So Joaquim finally drove us to Cidade de Goa near Dona Paula. We drove along the river Mandovi for a while and then we could see the beaches of Miramar for a good part of the ride. The view was like mint tea after a long tiring walk.

The first thing I felt about Cidade de Goa was the breeze and the smell of sea. The lobby was well coordinated and the color of the flooring and the white of the ceiling were bathed in a dull lighting creating an intoxicated atmosphere. Everyone seemed to be in the throes of an unseen ecstasy as they walked, talked, laughed, checked-in, checked-out, or simply lounged around.

As we waited for Dude, I already started seeing familiar faces I know from past STC conferences, ex-colleagues, and friends. One thing that calls me from within to attend the STC conferences is the opportunity to meet old friends and colleagues, Dude being one among them. It’s always a pleasure to meet these people and spend time with them.

Well, I am not too sure if I ever “network” or even understand the real meaning of networking or if networking would ever help me land a job should I be looking for one.

FUCK! This is getting too long and winding. Kibitz time…………..

And yes, before I sign off for the day, I met this “auntie” type at STC. I had been reminiscing to Dude how we got Jamiroquai for 700 bucks from Mandovi to Cidade and had him wait on us for five hours. Dude agreed that it wasn't a bad deal and told the same to the auntie who was whining (read showing off) about how she spent 10K just on cabs. Pat comes the reply from the auntie, “Was it an AC or non AC cab?” I told her it was an OMNI, as non-AC as they can get. “Oh, that’s why you got it for 700. I can never imagine a non-AC cab in Goa”. Go jump, bitch!

*Auntie wears glasses, had a big bindi for her small forehead and she acts like she owns half of the company, wherever she works*. Me thinks, the word Bitch was coined just for her. Perfecto!

Black Thunder

Last May two of my friends, my wife, and I decided to visit Ooty. So when one of us suggested that we “do” the Black Thunder, I mentally settled myself to a wet experience in one of the water parks around Ooty. The Tamil aunty next door prefers Ooticamoond.

So after spending the previous evening drinking beer, we woke up with a nasty hangover and decided to drive down the hills to Black Thunder, 250 km away from the spooky hotel we were staying in.

The drive was eventless but for the driver who seemed to sport quite a funky beard and an eloquent pair of shades. He was dressed all in white, a complete contrast to the dirty, old, and rickety Ambassador he drove. So after enduring a number of the crafty curves and ornamental driving maneuvers we finally rolled the final stretch to Black Thunder.

Our friend in white, the driver, decided to talk business and briskly announced that he wanted us back to the car within an hour and a half. I looked at him blinked and almost nodded when my friend pointed out that it would take us just that much time just to dress down for the watery rides. So my friend haggled with the driver for an extended window of time, I screamed, my wife admonished, and my other friend suggested we hurry up.

As we were entering the pink dome like structure, which also served as the gate to the park, I wondered why the place looked so empty from outside and why the other visitors – a short portly aunty, her thin little dark daughter, and her frowning husband – were dressed in clothing that best suited a visit to the temple rather than a water park. We paid for our expensive tickets - which I thought could have been better spent on a T-Shirt or an evening out with friends - sighed and walked into Black Thunder.

No sooner had we crossed the gate, a huge surge of black, half naked, and dripping mass of a family came towards us and zoomed towards the Men Only and Ladies Only dressing rooms – in the same order. For the next three hours we spent in the park I could see little but black and the vision remained with me long after we left the park.

And what a sight it was! A mother of two young daughters tried to cover their dripping wet T-Shirts with one long piece of towel jumping between them, in front of them, and behind them. For the people with the right kind of taste, the mother herself was quite a sight to watch with her wet Sari pulled tight right across her backside.

And more mothers – tall skinny ones, dark short and wet ones, tall board and dry ones – and one with a rose on her hair, the other with a bunch of jasmine. Following in close proximity to the mothers were their children – twins, not-so-twins, crying, smiling, rose running, frowning and all kind of siblings were in magnanimous display.

Then there were the cool dudes. Some of them with big flowery designs on their flairs, plastic sun glasses and ill fitting shorts that did little to hide their loud bellies or their hairy dark legs.

Quite a company we were in!

After a round of sign language and several gestures, which included an up-yours, I finally managed to get a key to the locker room. We dumped our regular clothes and got into T-Shirts with Black Thunder embossed on the back and tight low quality shorts bought from the utility stores within the park.

Thus dressed to get wet, we snaked our way to the first ride – that was the only ride we rode that day. We had to queue to get into the ride called the Lazy river and I am not sure if its by co-incidence that all fat portly people including me preferred that ride. As we were standing for our chance into the water, I couldn’t help but notice some very peculiar sights that I am sure I will not be blessed to watch anywhere else in the world.

To ensure that her modesty was not tarnished, I saw this lady get into the Lazy river ride in her burkha. But poor she. As soon as she jumped into the air-filled tube, she slipped and fell into the water, her burkha and whatever beneath it riding way up her thighs. Ladies scorned, men sighed, some choked and I looked at my wife and smiled.

And then the loving dad. The guy got into the water, managed to sit still on an air-filled tube and on him sat his child. Along with the child, he had a pair of shoes in his hand, a feeding bottle, a napkin, a small bag carrying spare nappies around his neck – he was Walmart-Kids-Section in all its glory.

The ride around the Lazy river was full of activity actually, I kept falling off the tube, my wife’s tube wouldn’t budge from the starting point, and one my friend walked most of the river than ride through it.

Then there were the river Romeos. They kept trying to reach close to all female lazy riders, hit them accidentally, laugh or scream per their current testosterone levels. Finally, after lot of nudges, a few pushes from fellow riders and lot of knockings from my wife, I reached the finishing line of the lazy river, so did my friends, and my wife. Were we glad!

A Quick Smoke

It was exactly 20 years before, that one rainy afternoon in the school playground amongst his few close buddies, Joel dragged on his first cigarette. Though he coughed, cursed, and almost threw away the cigarette, something in the bitterness of the smoke made him hold on to the cigarette and take his second drag, followed by the third, and the fourth until his head began to spin and he passed it on to another eager hand.

And as Joel progressed in his biological years, he embraced smoking with a spiritual rigor. He smoked to keep calm, to get tense, after dinner, after fights, after sex, and before breakfast. Joel also itched to paint. For reasons unknown, one midnight after he watched a cigarette stick burn away into a cylindrical column of ash, he decided to quit smoking. The following morning he also quit his job, brought a warehouse and started to paint. And in this warehouse, stroke by stoke he gave life to a simple idea on an oil canvas – a young woman sitting by the riverside with her head on her knees.

For years Joel could think of nothing but paintings; those rich, lush colorful pieces of creativity framed and hanged on numerous museums, bedrooms, art houses, and toilets. Joel always wanted to paint. But to him, it seemed that the whole world had conspired to prevent him from doing just that. When he was young and would spend hours with his drawing sheets, his mother would snatch them away and place Logo building blocks in front of him so that he uses his brains in doing something constructive.

His father didn’t help either. He wanted Joel to be the star batsman of his building apartment – a dream that his father could never fulfill. As soon as he was home from office, Mr. Mukherjee would ask Joel to dress up for the match. Joel would be dressed in a pair of brown shorts, white shirt, canvas shoes, and a cap. Next, an old bat and ball would be placed in Joel’s hand. Thus armed and dressed, Joel would proceed for the local cricket match played in his building. Joel hated this entire errand and would see a large canvas with beautiful paintings as he waited for the ball. Disaster always stuck on the first ball. He was always out with the preciseness of the moms calling out to their children from various windows on various floors to finish the game at 6:00 pm.

Like the renaissance painter, Joel grew a beard, ate only to refill his lost energy, slept when his eyes could hold no more, and painted. He mixed mediums, created dyes by dissolving pigments into binders, and deftly etched lines into the canvas. And one day he was done. He got off his stool, walked to a distance and watched with satisfaction and critic at his creation. It was exactly at that moment that the old familiar urge to smoke stimulated his tired brain once again – a quick smoke.

In midst of his paints, spirits, and fumes, he lit a cigarette. As the match stuck the prosperous, a ball of fire engulfed the air and exploded into a burning ball of raging flame. Joel choked on his breath, the oxygen in his lungs sucked out, and his vision blurred to nothingness.

Later in the day, when the firefighters had come and gone and the flames brought under control, someone observed that if it were not for the tragic accident, the gutted warehouse with its watery floor and sense of loss would have made an excellent theme for a grim painting.

The Call

The other day I received a phone call and was asked to report at a swanky address in Banjara Hills. She must be around 38 years old and had dark cycles under the eyes. She told me she was not interested in doing “it” but just wanted to talk. Now why the fuck would someone pay to talk? What are shrinks for? As if I care as long as I am being paid.

She was tall; a little wrinkled from the years and had this very intellectual look about her. She wore glasses, very sweet looking, not the type of woman to use the services of a male escort. She was more like your housewife next-door, rich, but not sophisticated and I mean it in a good way.

She told me to relax and offered me a drink. I settled for a cup of tea. She was dressed in a mauve bathrobe and smelled of lilies, fresh from her bath. She told me her husband was a good man – he owned a business which was profitable, took care of her and the kids, enjoyed a single malt whisky before dinner, and still squeezed in a good bout of sex every night, well, almost every night. He had a healthy appetite as far as sex was concerned.

I relaxed a little more and stretched back on the sofa, the cup of tea untouched. She continued. She told me she was bored, very bored with her life. Though the family went on vacation twice a year, mingled with friends and relatives, attended social functions, and invited friends over, yet her life was boring, predictable.

I smelled the tea. It smelled of cardamom. She crossed her legs; she was naked inside. Something within told me her soul was naked too, devoid of any sense of being - craving for the unknown. I looked at her trying to demystify the moment but gave up. She told me that one afternoon she was feeling so empty that she felt like killing herself. She was sitting on the bed, her mind an absolute blank, when she noticed the laptop on the side table. Although she knew how to use a computer, she never had the inclination to be online. She never thought of it until this moment. On the other hand, her husband was online every night.

She flipped open the laptop, switched on the power button, and watched with soulless eyes as the computer came to life. She did the things she had to do until she was online. A message blinked on the instant messenger. “So how are you today?” asked the message. She realized that her husband must be talking to someone and the person mistook her for her husband. “I am fine”, she replied. “I have uploaded all the pictures you sent last night. Check the site,” blinked the message on the computer. She clicked the blue link to the website that came with the message and waited as the window opened. A jolt shook her from within as if a high voltage naked power line touched her body as the window opened to reveal pictures - her pictures, thumbnails, hundreds of them row after row - in the nude.

Victims of Power Caste

The YSR led Congress government would hugely undermine the efforts of the Naidu regime to project Andhra Pradesh as an IT destination if it does not sort out the aggravating power situation in the state. The government is sending out all the wrong signals by including the IT and ITES companies in its ambit for power cuts.

Agreed that the populist measure of the government to grant free power to the farmers is an early bet to secure a victory in the next general elections. However, with the current power situation in the state, neither the farmers not the showcase IT industry is happy.

The government must also include the core city in its load shedding schedule rather than excluding it from power cuts. What is the motive behind subjecting the IT and the ITES companies and the entire Ranga Reddy district to power cuts?

Are the residents of Ranga Reddy districts sons and daughters of a lesser God?

Hi-Tech Hell - Road to Perdition

Just off the main road to Hi-tech City, barely 4 km away from the glitzy glass and steel towers district is Vittal Rao Nagar in Madhapur, Hyderabad. In addition to a college, the area houses some big corporate addresses, namely Reliance and Karvy and a cluster apartment buildings, primarily occupied by software professionals.

The road to this apartment cluster is in shambles despite many an effort by the residents to bring to the notice of the civic authorities the dismal road condition in this locality. Residents have organized a signature campaign to put pressure on the commissioner, written letters to the media, filed online complaints but the civic authorities are in no mood to have the road fixed.

Builders in this area have often expressed their inability to get the road built, as the local municipal commissioner of Serilingampally demanded an amount of 60,000 rupees per apartment to get the road done.

Vittal Rao Nagar comes under the Serilingampally municipal corporation and NOT under the Municipal Corporation of Hyderabad.

The Bus Ride

The evening wore a very disgruntled and tedious look as if the day itself had a bad day. Warm hot air blew through the bus window and smell of orange wafted through the air. The smell within the bus was rancid with body odor that permeated through bodies that stick through sweaty shirts, blouses, and petticoats. It was the heavy smell of helplessness, despair, and tiredness.

The bus slowed, the conductor pushed two women and the children clinging to them out the door. A passing scooter sped past the wrong side of the road barely missing the first woman. The conductor smirked as he took a peek at her blouse and mentally gauged the potential within. To stop his imagination from running wild, he screamed a profanity and the bust started moving towards the next stop.

The little girl beside me kept slipping off the seat as she tried to perch herself up every time the motion of the bus uprooted her from the seat. “Uh Oh”, she said and then placing one small palm on my thigh she tried to balance herself on the seat. I moved to my right pressing myself against the side of the bus as much as I can to make room. I helped her perch and then sit. My effort seemed to have paid off. She didn’t slide down on the next two consecutive bounces and managed to keep herself steady when a cow came in front of the bus and the driver pressed the brake pedal for a change – to wake himself up.

“Thank you”, she said. I smiled and looked out the window. After sometime the bus was on the highway and rolled with a steady motion. Sleep consumed me and I started to doze. Suddenly the little girl tagged on my shirt and asked me if she could sit by window. Her mother protested. I agreed. So we changed places and I was sitting next to her mother. The rancid was stronger and she smiled as if to tell me that she know I could smell her. I folded my hand and dropped my shoulders ready to doze off again but decided to check on the little girl. She looked out the window and her hair blew within the reigns of her hair clips creating small waves on her small head. She looked serene. I smiled and looked out the window myself.

Dark mellow clouds drifted on the southern sky and covered the raging sun. The sunrays, however, continued to cut through the clouds trying to stake their claim as the only source of truth in the sky. They lost. The clouds grew darker, the wind sharper and the hillocks stared up at the sky mocking the defeat of the sunrays. Drops of rain started to hit my face and I asked the little girl if she wanted me to roll up the window. She said, “No”.
The girl shivered and I placed my hand on her shoulders. She relaxed. The bus was moving at a fast pace and the passengers inside glowed with a newfound charm. The rancid odor was less hostile and the girl’s mother beside me dozed clutching her little brother. I began to doze and dream.

The Beginning

The walk down from the university convocation center tired him. He sat on the neatly laid out bed with a fresh white bedspread covering it. The incessant design on the spread threw up a bright flowery pattern. It seemed to him lately that everything around his world threw up a pattern. A pattern that came and went from his mind’s eye, rechotting off his memory walls into the vast emptiness of eternity. A memory so distasteful, he hated to recollect but this very memory is the core of his existence, the purpose of his life – the reason why Allah still kept him away from the FBI dragnet.

The mobile phone started to ring. He waited for three rings and picked up the phone, “Hello” he said softly into the sleek Nokia 9290 communicator. “You will be glad to know that phase II of the project has been successfully executed. Phase four is on its way” We plan to finish it exactly 10 days before the holy month of Ramzan starts”, the voice spoke softly from the other side of the line. “ Excellent, keep up the pace, I do not want to hear any crap about technical snags in the last moment” breathed Abdulla. “We won’t give you an opportunity”. The phone went off with a small delightful click. “Technology” thought Abdulla. “We will pay them in their own terms – with compound interest”.

Abdulla picked up the satellite phone receiver and voiced in an access code. The screen flickered, and a password text field appeared. He punched in four numbers and waited. The console displayed, “Validating access code”. “Access granted, establishing contact. Type in the contact code”, instructed the console. The line at the other end remained silent. After exactly three seconds, Abdulla pressed in the contact codes. The line immediately came alive and Abdulla spoke in Arabic. “The third phase is underway”. ‘Hope its worth the money invested in the project. We seek infinite justice”, the voice at other end spoke in fluctuating decibels, result of a satisfying, long drawn ejaculation. “ And justice shall be done” convinced Abdulla. The line went dead.

It was 2:00 PM in the afternoon and Abdulla decided to go to the university library. Lately he seemed to spend a lot of time in the library, talking to other Arab students at his class, holding court, justifying the cause, clearing doubts and scheming. He shut the two windows in the dorm and looked in the direction of the apartment across the street. The room seemed empty. “Julia must have gone out”, he figured. He picked up his mobile, squeezed his feet into the pair of Nike, closed the door behind him and stood still. Everything seemed normal. The siren of a police car broke the stillness of the calm outside. He skipped a heart beat. He relaxed. “It OK, just a routine petrol cruiser” he calmed himself and walked calmly towards the elevator.

Once on the pavement, Abdulla became one of them – the milling, thronging, briskly walking New Yorkers, another face in the crowd, another student, another middle eastern youth, clean shaven, big eyes with thick eyelashes and full lips – another Arab, nicknamed “The Angel”, with another mission in the name of Allah to attain eternal peace.

As he entered the university area, he could almost visualize in his mind’s eye the burning, collapsing steel, towering giant structures being reduced to mangled pieces of wreckage, the smell of destruction, the human limbs entwined in the debris – the attack on the world trade towers- exactly a year before, the event that gave his fellow brothers the supreme opportunity to attain the ultimate martyrdom and they are now resting in peace in heaven. He would have been one of them by now, if he had not been ordered at the last moment to stay behind and coordinate the mopping up operation before slithering out of the United States and back to Kabul. He was elated and felt that finally the time had come when these white vermin would be wiped off from the face of the earth and the will of Allah shall prevail upon the world.

Last May, two of my friends, my wife, and I decided to visit Ooty. So when one of us suggested that we “do” the Black Thunder, I stuttered, evolved, and mentally settled myself to a wet experience in one of the water parks around Ooty. The Tamil aunty next door prefers Ooticamoond.

So after spending the previous evening drinking beer, we woke up with a nasty hangover and decided to drive down the hills to Black Thunder, 250 km away from the spooky hotel we were staying in.

The drive was eventless but for the driver who seemed to sport quite a funky beard and an eloquent pair of shades. He was dressed all in white, a complete contrast to the dirty, old, and rickety Ambassador he drove. So after enduring a number of the crafty curves and ornamental driving maneuvers we finally rolled the final stretch to Black Thunder.

Our friend in white, the driver, decided to talk business and briskly announced that he wanted us back to the car within an hour and a half. I looked at him, blinked, and almost nodded when my friend pointed out that it would take us that much time just to dress down for the watery rides. So my friend haggled with the driver for an extended window of time, I screamed, my wife admonished, and my other friend suggested we hurry up.

As we were entering the pink dome like structure, which also served as the gate to the park, I wondered why the place looked so empty from outside and why the other visitors – a short portly aunty, her thin little dark daughter, and her frowning husband – were dressed in clothing that best suited a visit to the temple rather than a water park. We paid for our expensive tickets - which I thought could have been better spent on a T-Shirt or an evening out with friends, sighed and walked into Black Thunder.

No sooner had we crossed the gate, a huge surge of black, half naked, and dripping mass of a family came towards us and zoomed towards the Men Only and Ladies Only dressing rooms – in the same order. For the next three hours we spent in the park I could see little but black and the vision remained with me long after we left the park.

And what a sight it was! A mother of two young daughters tried to cover their dripping wet T-Shirts with one long piece of towel by jumping between them, in front of them, and behind them. For the people with the right kind of taste, the mother herself was quite a sight to watch with her wet Sari pulled tight right across her backside.

And more mothers – tall skinny ones, dark short and wet ones, tall, broad and dry ones – and one with a rose on her hair, the other with a bunch of jasmine. Following in close proximity to the mothers were their children – twins, not-so-twins, crying, smiling, rose running, frowning and all kind of siblings were in magnanimous display.

Then there were the cool dudes. Some of them with big flowery designs on their flares, plastic sun glasses and ill fitting shorts that did little to hide their loud bellies or their hairy dark legs.

Quite a company we were in!

After a round of sign language and several gestures, which included an up-yours, I finally managed to get a key to the locker room. We dumped our regular clothes and got into T-Shirts with Black Thunder embossed on the back and tight low quality shorts bought from the utility stores within the park.

So thus dressed to get wet, we snaked our way to the first ride – that was the only ride we rode that day. We had to queue to get into the ride called the Lazy river and I am not sure if its by co-incidence that all fat portly people including me preferred that ride. As we were standing for our chance into the water, I couldn’t help but notice some very peculiar sights that I am sure I will not be blessed to watch anywhere else in the world.

To ensure that her modesty was not tarnished, I saw this lady get into the Lazy river ride in her burkha. But poor she. As soon as she jumped into the air-filled tube, she slipped and fell into the water, her burkha and whatever beneath it riding way up her thighs. Ladies scorned, men sighed, some choked and I looked at my wife and smiled.

And then the loving dad. The guy got into the water, managed to sit still on an air-filled tube and on him sat his child. Along with the child, he had a pair of shoes in his hand, a feeding bottle, a napkin, a small bag carrying spare nappies around his neck – he was Walmart-Kids-Section in all its glory.

The ride around the Lazy river was full of activity actually, I kept falling off the tube, my wife’s tube wouldn’t budge from the starting point, and one of my friends walked most of the river than ride through it.

Then there were the river Romeos. They kept trying to reach close to all female lazy riders, hit them accidentally, laughed or screamed per their current testerone levels. Finally, after a lot of nudges, a few pushes from fellow riders and lot of knockings from my wife, I reached the finishing line of the lazy river, so did my friends, and my wife. Were we glad!

People in Mumbai took the trains to work the next day after 7/11 because they have no other choice. They have families to feed, debts to repay, and lives to live. The government, on the other hand, will act busy and concerned for a few days, announce paltry compensation packages, and then go back to the orgy of corruption, treason, vote bank politics, and resign to complete ignonimity.

If this spectacle of blood and gore cannot wake up the Indian nation, then nothing can. The government must resolve to go in for pre-emptive strikes across the border instead of pleading to our inimical neighbor to shut down the terrorist camps. It’s like asking a Hyena to give up preying on dead carcasses.

The government must recruit a group of committed, hardcore, patriotic zealots, raise a strike force in the lines of Israel’s Mossad and capture Dawood Ibrahim right from the clasp of the country harboring him. This should send a message to the perpetrators of the blast that India means business.

All the families of the 190 people killed must be immediately compensated with minimum 20 lakhs in cash or government bonds, a house, and a car as a symbolic gesture of empathy for a city nested in a country that lacks the spine to safeguard its own citizens.

Since 9/11, how many blasts have rocked America? None. This is because America chose to use its might to go after those who kill in the name of religion. Agreed, that we do not have the unbridled air power, or for that matter any power that America has, but we have to demonstrate to the forces of evil that we can strike back as well.

We are a peace-loving nation? Whom are we kidding? We keep raping our women, burning our brides, bribing our cops, and voting criminals and social handicaps like Arjun Singh to power. If our politicians can garner even a fraction of that will and cunning - they do so judiciously to win elections – to plan and execute pre-emptive strikes across our border, India could be much safer.

As a nation, we must stop resigning such cowardly acts to Karma and start to take matters in our own hands. Yes, we are going to ruffle a lot of feathers, but if we do not take any decisive action now, tomorrow might not be there for us to give us another chance.

It’s not enough that Mumbai limps back every time after each carnage; it is time India kicks some butt.

The Mumbai Spirit

The clunky cranky sound of the iron wheels against the metal track, the rainy chill that permeated the underarm smell of the person standing next, the hunger after a long day's work, and the imagined aroma of pakodas and hot tea filled my senses as the 1764 to Borivili rolled out of Kher station.

And then the deafening sound.

I found myself thrown to the extreme corner of the first class compartment, enveloped in a blackish cloud and that alien smell nauseated my senses. The air was heavy with piercing screams, distress shouting, and a general sense of loss and confusion.

My senses dimmed and my eyes were hazy. I felt a searing pain on my left shoulder drenched with blood. I began to faint. Just before I lost total consciousness, I could feel two reassuring pair of hands reach towards me, then a face, a smile and then blackness.

Today as I lie on the hospital bed surrounded by family, my arm in a cast, I feel lucky to be alive. Lying on the bed, I realize how death stared at my face, grinned, and left me to live another day.

- As narrated by a lucky survivor of 7/11.

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